Shame

If there is one thing I know best is shame. The sick twisted feeling that you have sometimes in your stomach. It's human nature to feel shame. It's normal that we put in shameful situation. But through shame, we discover a lot of other things; vulnerability, trepidation and also courage.

One of the reasons that I feel rather fearful of my past is because of the countless times I screwed up or not keeping my end of the bargain. It's hard to put yourself in the position of those who have wronged others. The stares that look down upon you or the resentment they harbor for the things you did which were abhorrent and disappointing are a lot to take in.

And yet, here I stand, debilitated. Then it dawned to me that shame is needed in our life. It promotes the virtue of humility. We do things not because of the feeling of superiority. We do things because of the feeling of humility. And I guess, that in the end will engender purity in our actions. The act of cleansing the shame that we hold can only be done once we acknowledge the part of us.

Here's the question, what is cleansing? Is it to deny that we were once degraded individuals or do we accept that we are degraded individuals. I have yet to answer that myself. But for now, I've come to terms that shame is what brought me to thinking. Shame was what matured me. But the idea is that shame would drive me away as shame is a dark void that will swallow me whole. However, face it with perseverance, humility and courage and you come back better than before.

Sometimes, you have to hit rock bottom before you can get better. And thing is, accepting your shame and making right of it may not be the bottom just yet. The backlashes, the gut-wrenching fear and just the idea that you were wrong may perhaps be awaiting you as you take the path. I have yet to prove whether I am coming out alive or not, but I'm definitely doing it. It's hard and bitter but it is definitely what needs to be done.

And with that, may God give me the strength of the leaders of the past to face the demons that I have avoided in my past. It's time.