Holding on to Lies

There's one part of me that I find it hard but yet so easy to admit. I constantly lie about everything. Even though, I have nothing to lose nor nothing to gain from lying, I still lie. I ponder a lot on why I developed this compulsive behavior. And then again, I had a sudden realization (especially when writing down my thoughts here) that the reason that I lie is because I winced at the thought that perhaps... just maybe they could finally figure me out.

And then the next question would be why? I remember several of my friends trying to figure me out. It wasn't easy to hear. I can take the ones that I show; it's sort of a lie. It's what I want people to see me as. But when they really break it down in front of me, I can't help but feel as though I am seeing a train wreck waiting to happen. Still, why should I be so anxious? I'm supposed to be glad that finally someone can connect to me or understand me.

And then I circled around the idea of vulnerability. People knowing me made me feel vulnerable. Again, why? Is it the fact that they can use that against me. And then it occurred to me. Power. The ability to shine knowledge towards people. And the ability not to.

As soon I wrote that down, I realized how power hungry I was. Knowledge was indeed power and I wanted it all. Is it wrong to crave something like that? Something beneficial. However, any obsession is far from beneficial. Sure, I felt I was in control, but that control did not sustain. Instead the lie controlled me. It controlled how I acted, how I behaved and how I should lead my life. It was too much for me to control and in the end, I was caught in the traps that I laid in my thirst for knowledge.

Withholding information is cruel. It promotes the feeling superiority. That feeling that I try so hard to avoid every time. But then, a wise friend told me (the same wise person who insisted that the means mattered) that mercy and superiority are two different things. The intentions are different and so does the effects which it creates.

I need to stop lying. I've always believed that when you share knowledge, the more well-versed you become. But it never occurred to me that this may be applicable to knowledge beyond textbooks. Due to the fact I cannot see that happening before, and though I still can't see it, I so wanted to avoid hubris at all cost as it would be my downfall.

Now, what am i going to do about it. I need to accept that knowledge is the best thing one can award to an individual. And i need to accept that the knowledge is not mine to possess. Being truthful is going to be hard. I would need to watch myself constantly. I would have to pause to tell the truth which is the opposite of a person who wouldn't normally tell lies.

And this is something that I got from 'Once Upon a Time', "what is easy, isn't always right."it won't be easy, but I'll have to stop doing this. Lying tore a lot of my relationships apart. I'm not willing to do that again. Sure it's harsh sometimes to say that might cause the pain of others, but it will help me to develop remorse towards my actions, humility towards my being and the idea of humanity itself. To err is human; to forgive, divine. Alexander Pope couldn't have put it in a better sentence. We would always make mistakes but it is what we learn from those mistakes that sets us apart.

But how do I prevent myself from getting reprimanded for my actions that were wrong. Admit that I was wrong, correct them and apologize. Do not drag it into a lie. Not anymore. Hopefully, I could have more truths to hold onto this time.