Getting lost and Finding Your Way Back

First and foremost, apologies for my lack of photo organisation skills

Okay, now what does this photos represent? Well first it represents the memories that I will keep. No duh on that question. However, it would also serve as reminders and inspiration for me to write that book that I have always wanted to write.

But most importantly, it reminds me of how should I travel; by getting lost. I realised that travelling isn't always about seeing this and doing that. It's what you make out of the things you did. The feelings that you felt when experiencing with another culture. By no means am I telling how you should travel. But maybe giving a few tips of my own. I have yet to discover the public transport system ( a must-do when I travel ) as it would tell me a lot about Dubai. The people, the roads and the environment all play a role in making places unique.

And the only way you can ever do that is by getting lost in it. I guess that was what happened with me when I was away. I got lost because I liked getting lost. But somehow, I had a hard time finding my way back.

Note to self: When getting lost, always know how to come back. 

I become so engrossed with a certain culture that I forget to go home.

But in all honesty, I'm glad that I got lost. Now I'm back home and things seemed clearer. At least for me. I could only imagine the the turbulent feelings of the fictional characters I have read when they got 'lost'. I guess that's what makes it a good book. When a reader is able to connect and feel the same emotions as the characters effectively.

Note to self: Connect.

Getting lost is an amazing thing to do. It allows you to do things and discover new paths that you never realised existed. But, always have something to hold onto; to go back to. Something equally strong and concrete. Something that would still remind the good of you. Because getting lost might also mean experiencing sensations that could easily blind you at that moment. Get lost in a movie, a book or even in a crowd of people. Get lost literally; we have GPS's nowadays. Don't panic; embrace it with open arms.

Maybe I have used the wrong word in my post. However I am just too lazy to edit it.

Wander.

What's the difference? You don't panic when you wander.

Yup, scratch all of that. Wandering is definitely the better word.

Someone's Missing

Other than being a title from a band that I really enjoy listening, this post marks the end of the semester for me in INTEC. Through my days of non-writing, I realised that I am as much governed by my feelings than I accounted for. The slightest tinge of sadness can allow me to feel rather inspired to write. And then I realised again that this is not inspiration but rather an outlet for me to not keep things so bottled up.

So who is missing? My roommate. Funny story, I was never close to them. To be frank, I spend all my nights in other rooms. But I still felt a slight tug at my heart when I saw the bare beds and empty lockers; the sight of someone leaving. Thing is I realised about leaving is that leaving technically means growing. And judging by the many times I have left things, I grew. Leaving doesn't have to be physically. It could be mentally. But the first question that ran through my head was was I ever going to see them again?

Okay, this is the part in which I blame my mental process for giving emphasis to trivial things such as these. However, it isn't trivial. Trivial things would be forgotten easily like the place where I put my keys ( I constantly lose them ). So why is it so important? Maybe because the sight of people going on their own way made me realised that I will not be with them anymore. I was indeed slightly invested with my roommates. And I guess it makes sense.

Then, a very haunting realisation came about. What about those who I have left? My family and friends? Did they feel the same way? I can only imagine how they must have felt when I felt a slight melancholy when my roommates left. I didn't like the way it made me feel. It was sickening and depressing.

However, in life, this happens a lot. Are we to protect ourselves by not getting attached? It is indeed a cruel cycle. We get to know them and eventually they'll leave us. Just like Calypso; to be blessed with a companion only to know that he must leave as soon as she has fallen for him. To make matter worse, it is the choice of the hero to leave.

I'm starting to understand why I enjoy reading Greek Literature now.

But, I'm glad I have met a lot of people that have left. They catalyse a lot of changes in me. They were the building blocks that formed the 'me' of now. The fruit finally ripen after years of tending to it. They left because they have done what they are supposed to do, I guess. That's a nice thought. A thought of which I can finally reconcile.

I'll be honest, I am not returning. Why is that? Because I don't want to return to feeling so unsatisfied of life, so under-appreciated and having that self-loathing at how my life was. I want to leave. I want to leave to the place I came from. I want to do it right.

So, someone is definitely missing when I go back. But that someone is no longer needed in that society. Someone (hopefully) better is coming home.

Update: Coping with my Lie Reduction

I've been writing about abstract ideas that when I look through it, it really sounded good when I wrote them down but it turned out to be a really annoying 'diary'. And then I thought, is that how other people felt when they read my blog? Well okay, so what is the functions of a blog anyway? It depends. I never really quite understood that quite well. I write it here because I guess, it helps me think more properly. And my my, how jumbled up I am before this. 

I tried to do the things that I promised to do yesterday. Damn. I have to keep correcting myself to not lie. Even slightly. Old habits indeed die hard. But nothing is impossible. I feel the change that I'm going to is indeed good. Like drinking a freshly made carrot juice without any preservatives. An acquired taste nonetheless, but definitely healthy in the long run. 

We learn the asymmetric information can lead to market failure. In other words, lying can lead people into the wrong direction. It can't be helped. But again, humane versus human. Just by adding the letter 'e' is enough to change the meaning of the words. 

I told them the truth, waiting to be reprimanded but they were okay with it. Though, I would not want to lie again. I need to work on the project. I guess the ability to make them happy and the disability to lie is enough of an incentive to make me do those things. 

I'll have to work on the reports and letters that I have been holding it off. But until then, I'm definitely doing better. And perhaps a picture? Need to learn to like myself a bit more. The real me. 

Slightly weird isn't it? But hey, it's a step. 

So why again am I doing this blog? It's for me. It's for me to make sure that I turn out well. 

Holding on to Lies

There's one part of me that I find it hard but yet so easy to admit. I constantly lie about everything. Even though, I have nothing to lose nor nothing to gain from lying, I still lie. I ponder a lot on why I developed this compulsive behavior. And then again, I had a sudden realization (especially when writing down my thoughts here) that the reason that I lie is because I winced at the thought that perhaps... just maybe they could finally figure me out.

And then the next question would be why? I remember several of my friends trying to figure me out. It wasn't easy to hear. I can take the ones that I show; it's sort of a lie. It's what I want people to see me as. But when they really break it down in front of me, I can't help but feel as though I am seeing a train wreck waiting to happen. Still, why should I be so anxious? I'm supposed to be glad that finally someone can connect to me or understand me.

And then I circled around the idea of vulnerability. People knowing me made me feel vulnerable. Again, why? Is it the fact that they can use that against me. And then it occurred to me. Power. The ability to shine knowledge towards people. And the ability not to.

As soon I wrote that down, I realized how power hungry I was. Knowledge was indeed power and I wanted it all. Is it wrong to crave something like that? Something beneficial. However, any obsession is far from beneficial. Sure, I felt I was in control, but that control did not sustain. Instead the lie controlled me. It controlled how I acted, how I behaved and how I should lead my life. It was too much for me to control and in the end, I was caught in the traps that I laid in my thirst for knowledge.

Withholding information is cruel. It promotes the feeling superiority. That feeling that I try so hard to avoid every time. But then, a wise friend told me (the same wise person who insisted that the means mattered) that mercy and superiority are two different things. The intentions are different and so does the effects which it creates.

I need to stop lying. I've always believed that when you share knowledge, the more well-versed you become. But it never occurred to me that this may be applicable to knowledge beyond textbooks. Due to the fact I cannot see that happening before, and though I still can't see it, I so wanted to avoid hubris at all cost as it would be my downfall.

Now, what am i going to do about it. I need to accept that knowledge is the best thing one can award to an individual. And i need to accept that the knowledge is not mine to possess. Being truthful is going to be hard. I would need to watch myself constantly. I would have to pause to tell the truth which is the opposite of a person who wouldn't normally tell lies.

And this is something that I got from 'Once Upon a Time', "what is easy, isn't always right."it won't be easy, but I'll have to stop doing this. Lying tore a lot of my relationships apart. I'm not willing to do that again. Sure it's harsh sometimes to say that might cause the pain of others, but it will help me to develop remorse towards my actions, humility towards my being and the idea of humanity itself. To err is human; to forgive, divine. Alexander Pope couldn't have put it in a better sentence. We would always make mistakes but it is what we learn from those mistakes that sets us apart.

But how do I prevent myself from getting reprimanded for my actions that were wrong. Admit that I was wrong, correct them and apologize. Do not drag it into a lie. Not anymore. Hopefully, I could have more truths to hold onto this time.

Stereotyping and how I was wrong and right

Yesterday, I met three different entities coming from the same society. In the morning was the stereotype I had, by mid it was somebody else who once embodied the stereotype and as the day comes to a close, I met someone whoI find was the complete opposite.

I am never fond of arrogance and the air that people exude as though they have harvested more than enough knowledge to belittle others. Sounds rather mean but the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. They might not know but the effects are clear to others. So in retrospect, I was never really quite fond of that  individual essentially. The idea is that he completely checked all the checkboxes in my list.

And then as noon past, I met yet another person from that group. I would considered him to be a reformed character. Yet, I can't shake off the feeling that he still had the remnants of the culture that I detested. In the end, I ended up reticent in the conversation. I tried to stress the idea that he has changed but a part of me did not want to look vulnerable in front of him. But, deep down, I knew he has changed. Just that, so have I. i have changed to become weary when interacting with his kind.

When night falls, I look back at what I have done and to be honest, I regretted it once more. The man during noon was indeed my closest ally. What happened to us? Has the fabricated vision I had of him dissipated? Or rather it was the ramifications of discerning my past?

However, it was during night fall that I met yet another man in this society. He was... different. There's this air in him that wasn't scared to declare his vulnerabilities that had drawn me to extend our conversation. I became frank with him about his society and he concurred. Even justifying that both men are indeed as what I perceived. But then, I clarified to him that he is not the case. No reason was given. No reason was needed.

But as I walked back to my room, I soon realized that the events of today is to prove that stereotyping was neither wrong or right. It protected me from getting hurt. However it did not provide me an avenue for the people of the past to make right what is wrong. It was the man at night fall that brought me to my senses that I need to let my walls down. Don't get me wrong. The man of the night did explain about the man during noon in a manner that was coherent to what perceive him as well. But it was his choice of words, his facial expressions and his gratitude that was the turning point of my perception of his society. He was the exact opposite of the criteria I put forth of people coming from his environment.

He may be an outlier but he existed in that society. I should still give the benefit of the doubt to the man during noon. And as for the man in the morning, I would still keep my walls up. I am afraid that even by close observations, he remained just as he is; a prime example of my stereotype.

I learnt that in Psychology that you can't help but to have prejudice. It revolves the idea that we, humans want to belong to a group and the idea is that we would view our group to be of the best breed. Why? Ego and self worth. The thing is, I would also indeed view my group to be superior than others. And then I asked myself yet again another question, if I have this strong out-group stereotyping towards other, I should have an equal if not greater in-group favoritism to some. Then, what is my in-group?

All this while, I have always thought that I was an individual and that I do not need to belong to a group. However, the so-called individualism that I had going in my head was flawed. I want to know where i belong. I need to feel that I belong.  And the idea that I would jump ever so easily if I knew some people shared some of the virtues as I did further proves how deprived I am of this need that I want.

However, as I realized yet again, what is natural in human beings does not necessarily makes us more humane. This event would be a reminder for me not to act as such. I know in life I would be reminded yet again of how the stereotype that I harbor needs to be loosen just a bit so. And maybe next time when I see the man during noon, I would be much more kinder.

And as for the man in the morning? I'll be honest. I don't think I could let my walls down ever so easily. However, just like today, life will send me a reminder to give him a chance.

But what if I'm wrong? Then I'll learn. No matter how much pain he would inflict, I cannot bear the cost of him not being able to reconcile with his past just because I refuse to give him a second chance. At least, for now.

In the process of reconciling

Well, these couple of days was rather eventful. I faced the demons and the repercussions weren't as bad as I thought it would be. However, I will be remaining prudent for the current time being. Though, with facing the past, I have found things that are not I hoped would not have come up. It's as though returning to a broken Wonderland. However, at times, it is also as though as returning to a more serene Verona.

Wonderland was definitely amazing. It taught me to hope and do what's right even though realistically it will not happen.Though Wonderland was a painful world to live in. And I've come to terms to yet again another part of life; denying or fighting back takes up a lot of energy. The Greeks considered Hope to be one of the cruel personifications in Pandora's Pithos (using the correct term here). Hope prolongs suffering. But is the idea that with Hope and not without it, you can achieve the things that you desire the most as you believe in that possibility to happen. Living in Wonderful had made life difficult to the point that I almost vowed to not be the same persona I was in Wonderland.

That all changed when I became home. The Verona I left was filled with loose ends. And with my optimism drained from my stay in Wonderland, I thought that things would be worse by me not even participating in the life I once had. I was wrong. Due to my bleak perception, Verona seems better in comparison to Wonderland. Guilt swallowed me whole but it was the pride that manifested inside of me. I denied my past even more. I denied both Wonderland and Verona due to the inability to evoke that sense of longing in both places.

But now, as I've said I am reconciling. And to be honest, it is gut-wrenching yet liberating to know that they want to maintain the same intimacy I had with them. Wonderland became real and more hospitable without having to mentally strain myself. Verona thrives as the I increasingly accept and participate in it.

But again, this is all but the first impact. The fear of the implications of relapsing is enough to drive me to go down this path. I know this path is right because I have never felt so at peace. The baggage is definitely weighing less.

Shame

If there is one thing I know best is shame. The sick twisted feeling that you have sometimes in your stomach. It's human nature to feel shame. It's normal that we put in shameful situation. But through shame, we discover a lot of other things; vulnerability, trepidation and also courage.

One of the reasons that I feel rather fearful of my past is because of the countless times I screwed up or not keeping my end of the bargain. It's hard to put yourself in the position of those who have wronged others. The stares that look down upon you or the resentment they harbor for the things you did which were abhorrent and disappointing are a lot to take in.

And yet, here I stand, debilitated. Then it dawned to me that shame is needed in our life. It promotes the virtue of humility. We do things not because of the feeling of superiority. We do things because of the feeling of humility. And I guess, that in the end will engender purity in our actions. The act of cleansing the shame that we hold can only be done once we acknowledge the part of us.

Here's the question, what is cleansing? Is it to deny that we were once degraded individuals or do we accept that we are degraded individuals. I have yet to answer that myself. But for now, I've come to terms that shame is what brought me to thinking. Shame was what matured me. But the idea is that shame would drive me away as shame is a dark void that will swallow me whole. However, face it with perseverance, humility and courage and you come back better than before.

Sometimes, you have to hit rock bottom before you can get better. And thing is, accepting your shame and making right of it may not be the bottom just yet. The backlashes, the gut-wrenching fear and just the idea that you were wrong may perhaps be awaiting you as you take the path. I have yet to prove whether I am coming out alive or not, but I'm definitely doing it. It's hard and bitter but it is definitely what needs to be done.

And with that, may God give me the strength of the leaders of the past to face the demons that I have avoided in my past. It's time.

Letting Go and Start Fresh?

Really Adam? That is really predictable of you to use that title.

First and foremost, maybe I should explain what my blog is all about. Well, I guess, it's a seeing blog. I feel that a blog would be able to help me out in further solidifying my abstract ideas. There are not really ideas. More like sensations. Mind you, let's keep this clean. For now. But yeah.

I wouldn't say that this is going to be about how crappy my life is. It would be about how crappy life is and how we can solve this stuff. Writing helps me calm my nerves and really finding ways for solutions.

Though, I see there is a flaw in this system. What if it gets too personal? Should I refrain or continue. Maybe a bit of both. Hey, when you study economics, you'll realized that there is no such thing as a perfect system that works only on one extreme.

So yeah, let's get a move on.

I've come to terms that I have given up in so many things that I wished I didn't. However, due to the past conflicting with the present, I don't know which to choose. And thus, I choose nothing by default. And every time if there is an opportunity to start fresh, I become weary of not the risk that I am willing to take but rather the  opportunity cost ( a lingo we use a lot in economics ) of taking that chance. As time and time again, I will always forgo the past to a large  extent to the point that I might deny that part of me from my life.

However, I've come to terms with yet another thing. The things of the past would always find its way back and bite you in the posterior. And since you didn't integrate them together to become one cohesive event that you control, it becomes this catastrophic discordance that rips your entire web of lies apart. Thus, losing everything. Yet again.

So when I say starting fresh, I really need to do something fresh than just letting go. Reconciliation of my past with the new me. I need to do that. I'll have to start now. Hopefully this blog would act as my safeguard for making sure that I keep my promises now.

A friend of mine once told me if you have conflicting realities, choose one that suits you now and play the part. He's an actor so conflicting realities is rife in his life. But right now, I'm making my own reality. One which is finally brave enough to do the right thing.

Vague, isn't it? Well, let me be a bit more specific. I am going to reconcile with the life I had during my six months in Oakland, ME.

And with, that, let the journey begin.