One Last Post; The Fix

I started this blog with the hope that it would act as a catharsis of my pent up emotions. This blog was to allow me to express my views be it right or wrong, vague or literal and disoriented or mad. At first I thought it did help to get all the feelings out of my chest. But I realised that it was not sustainable for me to do such things.

I put off writing a lot because it didn't feel right. Sometimes it felt shallow. At other times I just couldn't give a damn to finish it since I have yet to understand my problems. But as of the late, I wanted to write more about my experiences. About the changes that are undergoing in my story. However, the reasoning behind me not being able to write it down is the fact that I didn't need the blog to undergo a catharsis anymore.

Which is why this would be my final post for this blog. It started out when I had many troubles in INTEC and now as I hope it would from the beginning, it will end with me controlling my demons.

The last few days were hard. The thought of exams while simultaneously the impending end of late nights playing cards, studying together and just a brotherly talk can be somewhat a burden that could fill oneself with melancholic emotions.

As I finished my Statistics examination on the fateful Monday, two thoughts ran inside of my head; euphoric freedom (I actually screamed outside the hall and jump onto a table after that paper) and wistful sadness. We had a talk afterwards but just before we went home, we climbed to the roof of a building just to get one last view of the place that I have both condemn to the pits of hell on some days and adore the memories made on some. Dad was right. The friends that you make in your preparatory college are most likely the ones that stick.

As we make our way to the class gathering, I was replaying every single memory in my head as I sat down in my car seat. How in Semester 1 and 2, going to the States was what I aimed for but in Semester 3 and 4, how that all changed. How I progressively found back myself every semester. And how different I was when I was from Semester 1 and now as I look at my photo on my student ID. I think my mum likes the new me as well (I was an impossible child during my semester 1. Trust me when I say that there are issues only some will ever know about me)

Thing is, I was grouped with one of the most impressive lads in my batch. We're not the best at the things we do. Even I'm not that great compared to the vast others. But one thing about us is that we always try to make the best out of things. It wasn't easy to prepare Iftar the night with a barbecue, pasta with two sauces and a cake all under two hours. But we managed. And we managed well. Which is why I have a feeling that those lads in my class are going to be impressive people after graduating.

But the greatest change or virtue that I could ever hope for in my classmates is the assumption of responsibility when the time needed. On that night, I was blessed to see my different classmates being imam to everyone of us on that day. It was one of the most fulfilling experience I could ever asked for.

When I arrive back, I tried not to fall asleep. We still had one more thing to do. We said our last goodbyes to heartache and stress as it flew up to the starless nights of Shah Alam. And let me tell you, it was beautiful just to stand there within the warmth that we've created.

As our final day came, we took the bus one last time and climbed to the tops of the world one last time. We were ecstatic and euphoric but when one by one started to leave, then it became just a bit too much. Some of us got pretty emotional while others just tried to laugh off the sadness.

When it came to my turn, my heart became heavy and yet I was trying so hard not to cry. How can you say goodbye to the people that had saved you from yourself? I hugged everyone in that room for bringing out the good in me that I never knew existed in me.

And as I left my keys and drove to Seremban, an immense pain that I only know too well hit me. Every song felt like knives in my heart due to the memories it contained. It was Maine all over again. And then I remind myself one thing. From Semester 1, I would never expect to have the privilege to feel so many emotions, experiences and feelings. I was indeed grateful for all of that. And all my stumbling phrases never amounted to anything worth these feelings.  

Thank you so much for helping me find myself. I do hope that we would remain brothers even in the hereafter.

So what is the fix?

The fix is to always change and grow. Change is a series of doing the right things even though it feels wrong sometimes. Be kind and be brave when facing new challenges. Love thy brothers and sisters as thy own. And always believe that you are entitled to your own set of happiness.

Thank you for reading my posts.

Till we meet again.

As Winter Comes to a Close

For the last five days, I have felt one of the most serenest week in a very long time. April was like the harsh winter of January for me. An eternal void that seems to suck in every visible light within you. But at times of darkness, it is when the light is clearest. 

I was burdened by three things that have been my support. April was indeed a test of my wits. My friends, my family and my passion; it all felt onerous. God knows how spiteful I have become over that period of time. God knows how much I have sinned  to those receiving unnecessary spite. When I look back, all those things I regarded as onerous were superficial. In the eyes of a stranger, he may see me as shallow, unable to cope with the highs and lows of relationships. For indeed I was.

But to find your way out of darkness, one has to stop crying. It fogs up your vision and prevents you from escaping. One has to be brave and start venturing further. In the month of April, I have left what was familiar and discovered so many new things. In the month of April, I have pushed boundaries, caused heartaches not only to others but onto myself as well. In the month of April was when I remembered that the events are of my own autonomy. 

After some time off in a land foreign, it was time to at least reconcile with the demons that had put me in the position in the first place. And then you realise that the demons that were haunting you were just a manifestation of your own mind. And that you realise that things were bleak was because you had your eyes closed. The reason that things were so dark was because you were denying truths. The truth may be hard to face but the sensation you experience after reconciling the thoughts in your head and reality is utterly euphoric. I assure you of that. 

By mid April, things start to brighten. I have almost achieved balance. That was the key element that I was looking for in true facts. Between families, between friends and between the many aspects of self. I took a very hard road to understand the value of balance. But it is through the winter winds during scorching heats and tropical rain that I am able to grasp a fraction of what needs to be learnt. 

As our semester is coming to a close, we had one final dinner to commemorate the days past. I can safely say that the Adam that walked through the gates of INTEC almost two years ago is not the same as the Adam is now. And I can assure you that when I leave, I would come back ever more different. But no matter how different I could be, I learnt that I should never deny the past that has shaped me to become who I am now. 

But along my travels I realised that "You can't repeat the past" (I'll let you guess which quote I got that from). I cannot expect the same euphoric feeling I feel then to be the same as of now. I realise now that reconciling the past is not about repeating the past, rather it is to not deny them to be a part of your life. It is to remember and to move forward with it. 

All the things that I learned from the cycle during my exchange year, they were not just applicable to going abroad, rather it was being applied in every new thing I do. The lows that I feel when moving to a new environment after I finally settled in is what gauges my experience as being something that I want to keep to influence me in my later life. 

Right now, I am feeling an unexplainable sadness. As the life I have is nearing to the end, I am slowly lengthening the time I have over here. The pain of leaving once again is an excruciating pain that I wish not to endure. I remembered with extreme vividness for when I first came to INTEC; it is of the same burden that I carried with me when I first ventured alone. I wish not to repeat that. But I know things now. I know that the pain is not forever anymore. I know that the sadness I may feel is not because purely of weakness or the trepidation of the future but the sadness I harbour also portrays the amount of care to the values and memories I have developed.  

With that thought, let it not hinder you to make memories. Though painful it may be in the future, it is a welcoming pain. The type of pain that once you endure, the divinest of all revelation will follow. 

As of now, I am making so many memories especially with my family, friends and myself. And although when the time comes for me to venture on through the darkness again, the pain itself will push me to move forward and the calmness that recedes would be my solace. 

   

No one could ever love me like the way you did

“No one will ever love you the way I did.” That was your final words before you publicly humiliated me by splashing that glass of water in my face. But I knew you have felt just as humiliated as well.  

At first thought, perhaps you were right. You definitely wanted to leave a void when I told you that we needed to end it. You definitely wanted me to feel regret and pain for being the one that made the decision.

And you’re right. You were always right. And even after I found someone new, you’re still right. No one will ever love me like the way you did. And she will never be anything like you.

She didn't expect anything out of me like you. The only expectation she has is on herself. She expects that she herself would need to understand what I hold dear. She did not expect me to get to know her. She did things that I wanted to do. I never even knew how she managed to know. It was different from the way you love me. At first, I did not know how to respond to such intricacy. I was taken aback and tried to hide my feelings of astonishment. I did not want her to know that I do not hold the knowledge not the ability to reciprocate towards such manner. However she knew. And she taught. She realized the awkward and unexpected gestures I did. And as the days go by, the actions that I felt awkward, now felt natural as though it became habitual or instinct.

She fixed me to become hopeful again. I did not understand how. She was doing her own thing, at the same time I have always felt included. She treated me like how she wanted me to be treated. I don’t know how but it may just be me over-exaggerating but there were some things she was saving for me and whenever I am alone with her, I don’t feel us being shallow.

She tried to play my guitar for my birthday for me. Although she only strummed when changing chords, it struck me as rather thoughtful that she would spend some of her time to just do that for me. She inspired me to do more out of love. She holds this idea that “if love was indeed ever-growing, why aren't we growing or learning as much to compensate the size of our love”.

She thought me how to love another way. Another way that did not made me feel sick or belittled. Another way that made me felt that I was doing enough but motivated me to do more. She taught me in the importance of appreciation. And when we went shopping, she wouldn't just shop for us but also for the people that I love; my parents. That made shopping much more interesting for me. She taught me that as much as doing something for me is fulfilling, it is even more fulfilling to extend that privilege to the people around you especially to your loved ones.

And yet the only thing she asks of me is to never stop loving. And yet, I wept every night with her just as much as with you. Both of you made me feel inadequate and ungrateful. You two were polar opposites yet I am left with tears and an unrest body. But it was different. This time, I can feel that my heart was smiling while the tears were rolling. This time, I felt that I could always ameliorate the pain without breaking down as much.

My dear, honestly, no one can ever love me the way that you did. And frankly speaking, I haven’t missed it one bit. I hope you find someone else that shares the same love as you can. There’s no exact way of loving a person. Unfortunately, I cannot spend my whole life justifying your acts out of love. Because I am afraid that one day I may resent the whole idea of love itself. Call me a coward or anything you want, clearly you deserve more than me. But know that I am just as much human as just as much deserving for a love that I long for.

Because clearly, no one can ever love me the way you ever did. Especially not her.

 

The Dead Poets' Society. A gratitude.

It may strike you guys as odd as I've only watched the movie just only recently. Believe me or not, it has always been on my movie list.

              It was until I watched that I was left with a deep sense of melancholy. Movies that you connect at an emotional level always leave you in a bind as though you have just seen the emotions that you hold within you being purged right before my eyes.

              I have always felt that the late 80’s and 90’s showed great conviction in pop culture. In books, music and film, we can see the resonating sound of non-conformity and the importance of self-identity. I think the whole setting of political upheaval such as the collapse of the Berlin wall and the Vietnam War is the reason for such things. And yet, it was realistic in the sense that it wasn't too much. It reflected how truly we would non-conform and the pains in making the transition between the comfort of social acceptance to the uncertainty of standing up for a conviction that you are so deeply moved by.

I could be writing a whole essay about the messages and themes on the movie itself, but I won’t. By the end of the movie, I saw in myself of what I was, what I am and what I could have and what I will have. The different characters embody people at different points of their life. Making me certain that one day I would find courage, one day I would find love, one day I would be tested, one day I would pay for my acts and one day I would have to do the right thing even if it meant that I was against the norms of my society.

How can I be certain of this? Because part of it has already happened during high school.  Mr Anderson reflected so much of me when I was before. And I want to thank the first person to ever make me stand on the table, defying a belief. Figuratively I mean. The person who has challenged me to think outside of the box and getting in trouble for it. The person who pushed me to try even though I made a total fool out of myself. I want to thank him:

O captain my captain,

The thing is you left before I can actually become good. You left when I still would fumble at the pressure from those more powerful than I or at least in my mind. You left me with a lighted splinter that I was to keep ablaze for a very long time while to face the harsh wind of conformity and dogma.

I have failed so greatly and deeply to set it ablaze. I too have succumbed to the comforts. I feel that I would always be nothing more to you then just an incident in your lifetime. But you have far from failed. You set within me a fire that could not be put out. Although I wasn't brave, I solely want to be brave. And it fostered. Ever since, slowly seizing every opportunity that I could have mustered

I really thought that perhaps I could make you stay. But I realised that it wouldn't.  You are just as human as I am and you are just as entitled to romp on the land of God just like any other human being. But my inability to act faster and bolder had driven you out. Not a single day that goes by that I would forget what you have done to me. Though you still left me while I was timid, you taught me an invaluable lesson, to think. And it has brought upon me many enemies, revelations and content.

If you’re reading this, this is for you. If you are not, I wish to send this letter to you. Whether you are disgusted, honoured or even indifferent, that is beyond the point. All that matters is what I needed to say has been said. I am content. That gratitude has been known and life has been fulfilling after meeting you.

Thank you, o captain my captain.

An Undeniable Sadness

I don't know whether he will ever read this emotional catharsis. But it doesn't matter.  The fact is, that may be the last time I will be able to see him.

My friends would say that I am over-reacting at a major scale. How can someone you barely meet up have so much meaning in the reckless decisions you make? The only word for it would be regret.

I have never had any conversation much like the one I had with him. During the times of loneliness layered under a thick sense of optimism, he was the very few that caught my attention. Arrogant, pompous and downright haughty, he is the embodiment of everything I despise. However, there is one quality that could neutralise such acidic personality; selflessness. it is okay I guess for you to own an inordinate amount of self confidence so long as your belief or rather fight for something that is noble.

Because in life, as we mature, the vices that we own are removed from our system and the virtues that have shaped our whole being becomes purer and better. And that's what happened. Over the span of one year, this man has found heaven in hell on Earth. I met with him very few during the year. He has always been a recluse. Though I was privileged enough to actually have part of my heart stolen and finally the whole chunk of it. Because though our meetings were scarce, it showed me the saddening beauty of mankind. People change. The reason is that we learn to accept new things and let go of old ones. Soon, I will become old and just like an outdated form of technology, I will be replaced with a newer form that is capable of propelling him to another platform.

But I shouldn't be sad. As an advocate for education and the ability to develop one self, I need to be able to face the faults in my belief. That change, inevitable, should be an acceptable form of loss. And I did. Did I felt it was enough? No. Did any words that I say or any gestures I would do would ever suffice? No. Because no matter how much you plan on purging those emotions, it will never be enough. And I guess, it is better this way. To be left wanting.

His flight would be making its way to the runway now. I haven't even bought him a single gift. All those empty promises made at the terminal will now forever just be as it is. Empty.

And towards the end, just as I am about to give him one last hug, I held it tighter than I ever had. Because the person I saw before me right ta that very instance will forever be gone. And there is no way I could ever see the same person ever again. I will have to start over.

We weren't the closest of friends. He didn't know an awful lot and so did I. But we knew enough. We knew that we had to do something in this society. We knew that we need to think better. We knew that good people are hard to find in this world. We knew that we should always listen twice as much as we speak. And we know how we should help best each other.

He was grateful that I came to the airport. I was grateful he even acknowledged my entire existence. And as I faced a crossroad whereby our paths have diverged, I just have to properly send you off in order for me to find solace and closure. At least, trying to.

Thanks Irvin. May you be safe throughout this journey.

Hopefully, closing a chapter

Currently, I have seven drafts waiting to be completed, edited and published. However some how, I couldn't due to the fact of lacking real emotions lately. From fluttering infatuations and unreasoned hatred, I have felt more and more juvenile lately. I thought of posting a perspective article, but I feel that such will only be interpreted in the worst possible light by the readers.

And then I realized one thing that is causing this block. How can one reflect on things done when one does not do things?

So over the weekend, I have engaged in a volunteer session. I thought it would be a closing of the chapter of my exchange whereby everything became full circle again.

Unfortunately it left with even more questions still unresolved. And to make matters worse, I became very worrisome. I wished I could check up on them. I wished I could be the single person to say that it's going to be okay. However they don't need me. They only needed themselves.

I have become so intimate that it sound so ridiculous to be caring so much for the kids that I barely remember their names. It wouldn't be enough for me to just merely wish them well or even pray that they will turn out fine. But that is all I could muster at this hour.

I don't want them to suffer as much. I don't them to be lost. And I don't want them to feel alone. However, by saying all those things, it means that I don't want them to grow. And that is certainly unacceptable.

I can tell you a few things though, the eyes carry a lot of weight in the stories they told. They hide a thousand stories, yet afraid to be brought upon daylight due to judgement, fear and ego. Because I still have those eyes. Tired, deep and sunken.

People assume. They don't admit it. But they do. But it is not all bad. It's just that you will only realize your assumption is wrong when everything is too late. You realized that the person you thought you once knew drifting away from you were merely assumptions. The kid that you have fostered for 18 years but slowly misunderstanding his point? Assumptions again. The only way to assume right is to have perfect knowledge of the past and future. And how wonderful our situation is to be lacking both criteria?

Someday they will realize it, just have I. They will realize that they have grown so much. Some even more rapid than I could possibly imagined. They will constantly question their beliefs to the point on being a cynic. They will adapt. They will thrive; becoming better individuals who are stronger and wiser. And one fine morning, they will come across yet another crossroad; either to go back to the glorious days of the past, or move on down to the uncertainty of the future whereby the possibility of the world remain limitless.

I don't envy your position. However, we are all treading a similar path with different destinations. One thing I would say is this. Consistently remain sanguine despite the arduous and onerous path that you are taking. Hope is the only evil that remains in Pandora's Box. It prolongs pain and suffering. Hope can only be released with permission, thus ending one's suffering. But know that despite all of that, Hope is the only thing that could drive you out from the desolate place you are in.

And as I rest uneasy to ponder on the fate of my 'adik', I realized that I was in turn closing a chapter of my life.

However, the thing about chapters is that for you to go to the next page, the newer chapter can't help but to be related to the previous ones. This will definitely not be the last time I will see them. But when our paths crossed once again, I hope it would be the privilege of you teaching me the knowledge you have gained from when we last part.

When Life Imitates Art

Throughout my stressful ordeal, I have found comfort in actually solving crimes. That is to say I have spent a large partition of my time watching Sherlock rather than actually doing actual work that could have just easily lessen my burden for the week.

However, this post is not to discus how my defence mechanism is acting up again. This post is something more. It's about John Watson.

I think the secret of making a successful series is that there is this sort of relatedness between a character and the wonderful architecture of the story arch. It makes as though the viewers are living in that amazing story as well.

However, I can't help but feel a sense of attachment to him. There were so many 'Sherlock' that took up huge amounts of my time. Right now, I'm questioning why I ever did so. Was it because I was indeed lonely? Was I trying to run away? Because in the end, I've always moved away. Not because no one cared. I mean for goodness sake, I'd be dead right now if I haven't got any. However, maybe perhaps it's just I wanted to be cared in another form. One I have yet to discover.

Anyway, bottom line was that I need to rediscover myself (I've always had this fixation to applicate art into reality). I need to find my Sherlock.

Why now? Other than the fact that I finished the series, today marks the birth of two people I have grown fond before. Another one was in January. But yes, this is to commemorate those people who have filled my hours before. To prevent me from thinking too much on my own. This is to you. And if you're reading this, I want to say that I am irrevocably in debt to you for bearing with me sometimes.

Thank you for the years and happy birthday.