I started this blog with the hope that it would act as a catharsis of my pent up emotions. This blog was to allow me to express my views be it right or wrong, vague or literal and disoriented or mad. At first I thought it did help to get all the feelings out of my chest. But I realised that it was not sustainable for me to do such things.
I put off writing a lot because it didn't feel right. Sometimes it felt shallow. At other times I just couldn't give a damn to finish it since I have yet to understand my problems. But as of the late, I wanted to write more about my experiences. About the changes that are undergoing in my story. However, the reasoning behind me not being able to write it down is the fact that I didn't need the blog to undergo a catharsis anymore.
Which is why this would be my final post for this blog. It started out when I had many troubles in INTEC and now as I hope it would from the beginning, it will end with me controlling my demons.
The last few days were hard. The thought of exams while simultaneously the impending end of late nights playing cards, studying together and just a brotherly talk can be somewhat a burden that could fill oneself with melancholic emotions.
As I finished my Statistics examination on the fateful Monday, two thoughts ran inside of my head; euphoric freedom (I actually screamed outside the hall and jump onto a table after that paper) and wistful sadness. We had a talk afterwards but just before we went home, we climbed to the roof of a building just to get one last view of the place that I have both condemn to the pits of hell on some days and adore the memories made on some. Dad was right. The friends that you make in your preparatory college are most likely the ones that stick.
As we make our way to the class gathering, I was replaying every single memory in my head as I sat down in my car seat. How in Semester 1 and 2, going to the States was what I aimed for but in Semester 3 and 4, how that all changed. How I progressively found back myself every semester. And how different I was when I was from Semester 1 and now as I look at my photo on my student ID. I think my mum likes the new me as well (I was an impossible child during my semester 1. Trust me when I say that there are issues only some will ever know about me)
Thing is, I was grouped with one of the most impressive lads in my batch. We're not the best at the things we do. Even I'm not that great compared to the vast others. But one thing about us is that we always try to make the best out of things. It wasn't easy to prepare Iftar the night with a barbecue, pasta with two sauces and a cake all under two hours. But we managed. And we managed well. Which is why I have a feeling that those lads in my class are going to be impressive people after graduating.
But the greatest change or virtue that I could ever hope for in my classmates is the assumption of responsibility when the time needed. On that night, I was blessed to see my different classmates being imam to everyone of us on that day. It was one of the most fulfilling experience I could ever asked for.
When I arrive back, I tried not to fall asleep. We still had one more thing to do. We said our last goodbyes to heartache and stress as it flew up to the starless nights of Shah Alam. And let me tell you, it was beautiful just to stand there within the warmth that we've created.
As our final day came, we took the bus one last time and climbed to the tops of the world one last time. We were ecstatic and euphoric but when one by one started to leave, then it became just a bit too much. Some of us got pretty emotional while others just tried to laugh off the sadness.
When it came to my turn, my heart became heavy and yet I was trying so hard not to cry. How can you say goodbye to the people that had saved you from yourself? I hugged everyone in that room for bringing out the good in me that I never knew existed in me.
And as I left my keys and drove to Seremban, an immense pain that I only know too well hit me. Every song felt like knives in my heart due to the memories it contained. It was Maine all over again. And then I remind myself one thing. From Semester 1, I would never expect to have the privilege to feel so many emotions, experiences and feelings. I was indeed grateful for all of that. And all my stumbling phrases never amounted to anything worth these feelings.
Thank you so much for helping me find myself. I do hope that we would remain brothers even in the hereafter.
So what is the fix?
The fix is to always change and grow. Change is a series of doing the right things even though it feels wrong sometimes. Be kind and be brave when facing new challenges. Love thy brothers and sisters as thy own. And always believe that you are entitled to your own set of happiness.
Thank you for reading my posts.
Till we meet again.
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