As Winter Comes to a Close

For the last five days, I have felt one of the most serenest week in a very long time. April was like the harsh winter of January for me. An eternal void that seems to suck in every visible light within you. But at times of darkness, it is when the light is clearest. 

I was burdened by three things that have been my support. April was indeed a test of my wits. My friends, my family and my passion; it all felt onerous. God knows how spiteful I have become over that period of time. God knows how much I have sinned  to those receiving unnecessary spite. When I look back, all those things I regarded as onerous were superficial. In the eyes of a stranger, he may see me as shallow, unable to cope with the highs and lows of relationships. For indeed I was.

But to find your way out of darkness, one has to stop crying. It fogs up your vision and prevents you from escaping. One has to be brave and start venturing further. In the month of April, I have left what was familiar and discovered so many new things. In the month of April, I have pushed boundaries, caused heartaches not only to others but onto myself as well. In the month of April was when I remembered that the events are of my own autonomy. 

After some time off in a land foreign, it was time to at least reconcile with the demons that had put me in the position in the first place. And then you realise that the demons that were haunting you were just a manifestation of your own mind. And that you realise that things were bleak was because you had your eyes closed. The reason that things were so dark was because you were denying truths. The truth may be hard to face but the sensation you experience after reconciling the thoughts in your head and reality is utterly euphoric. I assure you of that. 

By mid April, things start to brighten. I have almost achieved balance. That was the key element that I was looking for in true facts. Between families, between friends and between the many aspects of self. I took a very hard road to understand the value of balance. But it is through the winter winds during scorching heats and tropical rain that I am able to grasp a fraction of what needs to be learnt. 

As our semester is coming to a close, we had one final dinner to commemorate the days past. I can safely say that the Adam that walked through the gates of INTEC almost two years ago is not the same as the Adam is now. And I can assure you that when I leave, I would come back ever more different. But no matter how different I could be, I learnt that I should never deny the past that has shaped me to become who I am now. 

But along my travels I realised that "You can't repeat the past" (I'll let you guess which quote I got that from). I cannot expect the same euphoric feeling I feel then to be the same as of now. I realise now that reconciling the past is not about repeating the past, rather it is to not deny them to be a part of your life. It is to remember and to move forward with it. 

All the things that I learned from the cycle during my exchange year, they were not just applicable to going abroad, rather it was being applied in every new thing I do. The lows that I feel when moving to a new environment after I finally settled in is what gauges my experience as being something that I want to keep to influence me in my later life. 

Right now, I am feeling an unexplainable sadness. As the life I have is nearing to the end, I am slowly lengthening the time I have over here. The pain of leaving once again is an excruciating pain that I wish not to endure. I remembered with extreme vividness for when I first came to INTEC; it is of the same burden that I carried with me when I first ventured alone. I wish not to repeat that. But I know things now. I know that the pain is not forever anymore. I know that the sadness I may feel is not because purely of weakness or the trepidation of the future but the sadness I harbour also portrays the amount of care to the values and memories I have developed.  

With that thought, let it not hinder you to make memories. Though painful it may be in the future, it is a welcoming pain. The type of pain that once you endure, the divinest of all revelation will follow. 

As of now, I am making so many memories especially with my family, friends and myself. And although when the time comes for me to venture on through the darkness again, the pain itself will push me to move forward and the calmness that recedes would be my solace.