I will never be truly free

A man once said the sooner you can accept things, the easier things would be. 

I accept the fact that I run constantly. That despite crying to movies, songs and books, I refuse to show the same amount of empathy towards people. Even the ones that I know.

Right now, I just don't feel like posting.

But acceptance.

I accept that I can't always run. I don't know why I fear it so much. Perhaps because the conversation we had before only made me even more tired when trying to be in that position again. Perhaps the stories that you keep reminiscing are the ones that I'm not too proud of. Or perhaps I would not bear anymore those abusive moments when you thought it was okay.

The idea is that I will need to stay. I can never escape that feeling. And I'm okay with that. Is it going to make me flinch every time? Maybe. But someday, they would have to accept the fact that you have changed.

We change because we know things now.

I don't resent everything nor everyone. But I resent the memories they bring sometimes. And it's really hard to be unable to share those thoughts.

Here's to a year to which I won't feel like numbing the pain with even more pain anymore.

I'm sorry but I still haven't fully figure this problem out yet.

Through pain...

"God knows what is hiding in those weak and sunken lives

Fiery throngs of muted angels

Giving love but getting nothing back" - Birdy, People Help the People

I first heard this song when I help host a talent show in my school during my exchange. The person who sang this was just as equally beautiful as the song that she sang. 

Today, I visited my grandmother. I never knew why my father came always come at that particular hour almost everyday. It was then I saw something that taught me a few lessons in life. 

Unbeknownst to me before, that was the time where she will get her wound cleansed. The nurse would come by and set her table up and open up the bandage. Seeing the wound wasn't the hard part. I know that no matter how bad it is, it's still can be fixed. But what was the hardest was watching my grandmother going through pain from cleansing the wound. 

And there I saw a few things. As the nurse was cleaning her wound, my grandmother was in deep pain. Her only words was just the faith; "there's only one God." And she kept on muttering on those words. However, even with that, only God knows how in pain she was. Then I saw another thing, my dad instinctively sat behind her and wrapped his hands around her hands and chanted the same thing. Seeing that sent chills down my spine. The good ones. However, towards the end I only heard that she had gave up and succumbed to the pain. Once the new bandage was neatly wrapped, everything went back to normal. Her facial expression was just as before. Though, she did say that she was rather hungry.

I am beginning to understand why people hold onto faith so much. It's our superpower. We're just ordinary people but the power of faith, be it true or not, allows us to push further, endure harder and become better. I reflected at myself afterwards and realised that faith did play a major role in my recovery. I did things that I never thought would be humanely possible for me. 

However, I also learnt that faith alone is never enough. We do need the companion of others to help us get through things. Even though we may never know how bad things are for them, the least we could do was to actually try not to look sad or sympathise too much and do nothing. And I realised that maybe if you don't have to say anything or do anything. Just being there for them and making them feel less alone helps I guess. No one wants to be alone when hardships strikes.

But sometimes things are just too big. Sometimes we just give up. Sometimes we can't be strong and we have exhausted all our energy even with the companionship of other. Sometimes we just succumb. And in the end, we're not really superhuman. We're as fragile as our faith in things. However that won't stop us. In the end I realised that though my grand mother succumbed, she still wanted to become better. Thus, she not only endured for that day but for the many days to come. She will have to face those demons though it may break her soul into two. Because dying to get a better life is so much better than staying still in misery forever. 

Sing Me to Sleep

From life, to movies, to songs and to television.

I've been on the receiving end in this learning experience; taking it all in as much as I can. But soon I have realised that analysing those information requires more than just thinking. I feel that I use my brain to store but not analyse. And to put things off like that, I am unable to really be ready to face reality.

But now, it's time to analyse things. I've come to terms that what I picture in my mind is not what does really happen. I imagined a simple life with problems that can be solved in a day and results can be experienced in the future. Not the dragging pulling force of gravity of a black hole that I have to face every morning with an optimistic smile.

But that's just it. Life is an uphill battle. The thought that you could never be in peace fully. Sad isn't it? But we have only brought this to ourselves. If we didn't have all this desires or have to make all of this decisions, life wouldn't be so complicated. Life wouldn't be so onerous.

The thing about having a life is that there is no such things as not making a decision. Even when you decide not to choose, you have already chosen a fate whereby you don't choose. These things would wear us down; to the point that we are sedated to not care anymore. All the things that we put emphasis on are made trivial due to heavy weights that we carry on our shoulder. We choose to accept rather than act anymore.

I am so sorry for the rather depressing post but I simply must let it all out. The beast of this dark void that is eating every optimistic fibre in my bone must be freed from the chains that hold him steady.

And... I've realised that no matter how much I have change, it wouldn't matter. The world is just as the same. Unless you act upon it as well. But I'm just far too tired to do anything.

I don't need for someone to care about me. I would just want to escape this world I am in where everyone is competing for every single thing. Just for a moment. I would love to just lie on the ground for one moment with someone that would just appreciate the things that I appreciate as well.

I am lonely.

I want to belong but what I do and the feelings I harbour don't see eye to eye with my longings. I don't fare well in making myself comfortable in a conversation. I need to learn to appreciate the beauty in others.

But for now rest. Tomorrow is a new day. A new way to solve a problem. A new perspective to look at things. But tonight, I just need someone to just sing me to sleep.

Distractions

First and foremost, I've been awfully distracted lately.

Throughout my short secondary life, I've encountered various phrases that either helped me or broke me. More on the latter than the former. Hey, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? But one of those phrases would be this; "You're distracted."

It's true. I was distracted. However, I didn't like how people use that word. I've realized that people would use that word when they don't agree or rather dislike what you are doing. It becomes so apparent nowadays that I would think long and hard about it while showering.

Example:

That girl is so focused in music
That girl is so distracted in music.

And then it hit me. Most of the people around me would say you're distracted when I go out and see the world. What if I'm not? What if I am focused? And to those who you consider focused, there is a possibility they are truly distracted?

Being focused means you know what you want and you give your all in it. Being distracted is not knowing what you want and blindly doing it. Or in this case, doing something what society does not want you to do.

I'll admit. I'm distracted. I don't know yet what I truly what I want in life All I can make up is these vague images that may or may not make me happy in the end. And the sad part is, even when I feel that I have a solid goal in my life to work onto, I can't help but feel and question whether that is the right path to take.

Mark Twain once said that the two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why. 

However, I do not want to become 'nothing' by default to my insecurities or rather trepidation of the unknown. What's worse than regretting of doing something is regretting not to.

So here is my conclusion. I should be focused on what I plan to do. But there is a possibility that the thing might not make me happy. But that's okay. Because it's better than not becoming anything. Because not becoming anything would certainly, without a doubt, would make me unhappy.