“No one will ever love you the way I
did.” That was your final words before you publicly humiliated me by splashing
that glass of water in my face. But I knew you have felt just as humiliated as
well.
At first thought, perhaps you were right. You
definitely wanted to leave a void when I told you that we needed to end it. You
definitely wanted me to feel regret and pain for being the one that made the
decision.
And you’re right. You were always right. And
even after I found someone new, you’re still right. No one will ever love me
like the way you did. And she will never be anything like you.
She didn't expect anything out of me like you.
The only expectation she has is on herself. She expects that she herself would
need to understand what I hold dear. She did not expect me to get to know her.
She did things that I wanted to do. I never even knew how she managed to know.
It was different from the way you love me. At first, I did not know how to
respond to such intricacy. I was taken aback and tried to hide my feelings of
astonishment. I did not want her to know that I do not hold the knowledge not
the ability to reciprocate towards such manner. However she knew. And she
taught. She realized the awkward and unexpected gestures I did. And as the days
go by, the actions that I felt awkward, now felt natural as though it became
habitual or instinct.
She fixed me to become hopeful again. I did not
understand how. She was doing her own thing, at the same time I have always
felt included. She treated me like how she wanted me to be treated. I don’t
know how but it may just be me over-exaggerating but there were some things she
was saving for me and whenever I am alone with her, I don’t feel us being
shallow.
She tried to play my guitar for my birthday for
me. Although she only strummed when changing chords, it struck me as rather
thoughtful that she would spend some of her time to just do that for me. She
inspired me to do more out of love. She holds this idea that “if love was
indeed ever-growing, why aren't we growing or learning as much to compensate
the size of our love”.
She thought me how to love another way. Another
way that did not made me feel sick or belittled. Another way that made me felt
that I was doing enough but motivated me to do more. She taught me in the
importance of appreciation. And when we went shopping, she wouldn't just shop
for us but also for the people that I love; my parents. That made shopping much
more interesting for me. She taught me that as much as doing something for me
is fulfilling, it is even more fulfilling to extend that privilege to the
people around you especially to your loved ones.
And yet the only thing she asks of me is to
never stop loving. And yet, I wept every night with her just as much as with
you. Both of you made me feel inadequate and ungrateful. You two were polar
opposites yet I am left with tears and an unrest body. But it was different.
This time, I can feel that my heart was smiling while the tears were rolling.
This time, I felt that I could always ameliorate the pain without breaking down
as much.
My dear, honestly, no one can ever love me the
way that you did. And frankly speaking, I haven’t missed it one bit. I hope you
find someone else that shares the same love as you can. There’s no exact way of
loving a person. Unfortunately, I cannot spend my whole life justifying your
acts out of love. Because I am afraid that one day I may resent the whole idea
of love itself. Call me a coward or anything you want, clearly you deserve more
than me. But know that I am just as much human as just as much deserving for a
love that I long for.
Because clearly, no one can ever love me the way you ever
did. Especially not her.
