“I was within and without. Simultaneously enchanted and repelled by the inexhaustible variety of life.” – The Great Gatsby, F Scott Fitzgerald
Unlike the book, my beginning came about in the midst of winter; cold and silent. But let’s not waste any time on the first few days of integration to a new timezone whereby I feel asleep in the most peculiar of places and times. It all started the moment where I first set foot on the stage.
The school that I was attending was doing the Great Gatsby. Little did I know how this book rings so well with the tumulus feelings that I would be going on in my life. How every character in it had been personified by the society that I lived in.
I was still in this euphoric stage of actually finding a place where I actually fit in. And though it may still be just the outer surface of the iceberg, the vast diversity in the minds of the people that I have met, though their features are just the same, in the same room is something so different than the likes that I have experienced before. For you see, though we may have different cultures, our goals and virtues in life are just about the same. It wasn’t the case of America.
And then finally, I met Gatsby. Young and beautiful, he saw me like the way I wanted to see myself. Those descriptions in the book about Gatsby could be used just as well as you could actually feel yourself floating in pure happiness from the way that smile and charm was directed at you. And what’s more was the hope that he had in himself. Pure and true.
As the days passed on I met aspiring performers, devoted Christians, homosexuals, jocks and people from the higher pedigree of the social class in high school. All of them in one tiny room behind the stage. I’ve come to finally be assimilated into the groups. Handshakes became hugs, the jokes finally becoming more and more understandable, and those inside stories becoming more and more relatable.
When the director finally casted me in the story, I didn’t have to dance, I didn’t have to read a lot of lines and I didn’t have so much time on screen. I was the butler. A friend of mine was afraid that I would be offended of such a role but it didn’t. For when the others are practicing dancing, I had the privilege of seeing the other actors understanding their roles, the crew assembling props with such detail and seeing people from afar. I saw Gatsby, Daisy, Jordan and all of them not just on stage but also portrayed in reality. And no one realised that but me. Hence, I was within and without. I assume that this event very rarely came, so I only had good thoughts of where this is all leading.
It was when I started to become integrated that I realised that as you believe in the true benevolence of God, you have to believe in the existence of the vices of the Impure. I came to know how with every optimistic ‘Hi!’ was a pessimistic outlook on one’s future and how every ‘I love you,’ was an abhorring to another person. And soon, the thoughts that I have fully constructed in my subconscious mind have been reformed to include the harsher types of people.
Though, I was still blind; believing that people are able to overcome their demons. And so came the part of me that wanted to make things right. Walking became a thing for me. I have walked in the snow, under the sun and through cold fronts. And little did I know how that might have hardened me through this journey. I was tired of not being able to do anything to make things right. And I guess this exchange allowed me to do something that could fix that. But you can only fix so much. Gatsby became such a rare event that whenever I see him I would in turn hug him really tightly as I would never know when would be the last time I would see him. I started to lose grip on myself as I have become more and more invested with Gatsby. It had become an addiction when I suddenly realised that even when I’m having a good time, I couldn’t help but to think of him.
And as the play ended, I found that the group dissipated easily. There was no unifying factor. My world became more and more toxic with more hours devoted to my journal to really relinquish those feelings. I slowly became detached and tried to cling on a few things I still believe in. I didn’t realise that I was in denial of what had just happened. The people I thought who were nice to each other became cold to the others. And as stories of elatedness decreased, stories that just slowly chipped into my belief in good faith and confidence became more and more frequent.
And then it hit me. I have become Nick Carraway and towards the end of my exchange my Gatsby had died. The hope that I harboured in others slowly evaporating. The place has truly become haunted in some ways for me. I cannot bear to see anymore destruction of the things that I held dear most. All of those characters were inside all of them. And seeing all of them unfolding was not an easy task. And as summer came, with so many unresolved conflicts, with so much unknown in this world, I have to leave the place that I have grown to love and despise. It was definitely hard to leave not because I had so much memories in there but rather I was afraid that if I were ever to return, things would change so much to the point that I wouldn’t be able to recognise any of it. I’m afraid that the things that were left unsaid would turn against me.
I don’t know what’s worse, the idea that you can never change the outcome of the wreck that is bound to happen or rather that the idea that things could change so much to the point that things that you have once been acquainted with, are only remnants of what used to be.
However, just as I know that he was gone, I was again happy to know that at the very last moment before I left, I have told my story to Gatsby and how I’ve felt. Though he had became a part of the toxic world that I would live in, he was the one that made my exchange ever so meaningful.
This exchange has hardened me and exposed my vulnerability in the cruelest of ways, in the eyes of hope. I have recovered for most of the parts but there would always be that one thought in my head that would keep me from actually moving on.
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